A little over a year ago I had the most transformative experience of my life. It started with How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan. Most people don’t know that my formal education is in research based science - my graduate degree was in environmental toxicology, and I’ve always been fairly cautious of substances in general - first drink at age 20; first joint at age 24. However, as I educated myself about the vast psychedelic research from the 50’s and 60’s, I realized everything I “knew” about the field was largely misguided or in some cases completely fabricated by pop culture and Nixon’s War on Drugs. If you are curious about the space, start with Michael Pollan - it is all there, and he has already sparked a new renaissance of psychedelic research and lantern consciousness.
“Ego Death” is not what most people expect, and even people who have dabbled in the space usually misinterpret an “Ego Death” experience. Ego in this context refers to the “concept” of self, and in an ego death journey, the concept of identity, even the concept of a human, is obliterated and is replaced with the feeling of universal empathy to an infinite degree.
I mentally prepared and journaled for months leading up to this moment. Below is a summary of 5 pages of notes I scribbled down immediately after the 12 hour journey.
As I compile these thoughts, I am finding it challenging to orient them in a comprehensible order. Perhaps it is the limitation of this medium, whereas the journey of the mind had no linear limitations. It is complicated further still because during the journey I would think not only in first and third person, but also in the royal “we” as in all of society- everyone that has or will live, which is perhaps why the below sections read oddly. Past, present, and future verb tenses are also mixed and inconsistent for this reason, but I tried to actually preserve them as I wrote them down originally.
Every particle that I saw or imagined was quivering under the weight of its own significance. The beauty of the entire universe was within each and every spec of dust.
Feeling Infinity
I initially felt like I was clinging onto a flag pole that was thrust into space and could see the depths of the universe. I felt like I couldn’t get “leverage on the universe” which was funny feeling. Once I would try to examine something from one perspective, the idea/space on which I was grounded fell away to infinity. I realized this was a lens through which one can experience infinity and other people. The concept of Time gone- passionately lived and felt everything has happened and will happen to infinity, and this reality is but one instance. There’s no rush or reason to be anywhere else because I have already lived all of the past and future experiences.“Be Here Now” came into mind and instantly resonated. Everything I thought about or looked at when I took off eyeshades felt so brilliant - each particle was quivering under its own significance. AWE. Sense of awe was constant- like looking off a cliff or the first time one enters Yosemite - that split moment of awe that eventually wears off- except this was a continuous feeling.
Universal Empathy
Such a strong sense of universal empathy that the concept of the self seemed absurd- laughably so. True mind melding with everyone that exists and ever existed- it was at first an amazing feeling…then confusing… then even feeling an emotion about it vanished bc I had no concept of self. Lived an entire life as a large black woman, then as a white man, then as a another woman, then all the sexes at the same time. I lived and died multiple lives. I lived an extremely sad life of a misunderstood boy and experienced the horrors he committed at school. But I also understood his pain and suffering. I was him. I thought about murderers and mass shooters and the cop who murdered George Floyd. It wasn’t just empathy - I was them- I experienced and lived their lives.
Realized that I was like a funnel- any idea that was poured into me I would absorb and be it. Occasionally sense of fear crept in but would go through it and then was grateful I was in safe space. Understood the answer to the universe and also the question, then realized there is no answer or question- both seem absurd- I became the universe and mixing energies. I understood everything all at once. Strangely thought about how I used to despise day traders who just are moving money around, but then I realized we are all just moving energy around.
Family
When I thought about my family, my parents and grandparents seemed emotionally stable, but I realized I don’t even really know Nick, my youngest brother. When was he the happiest he’s ever been? Need to ask him this question. Thought about having child with my wife, Bee and how it would be perfect because Bee was perfect. But I also saw her in every other person in the universe- because there was no separation of the self- true mind meld. I couldn’t remember faces, her face or even mine, so when I thought about Bee, it was not her human form, but her mind- her essence.
This tree in our backyard became how I felt during the journey. The mind expanding. Each tree branch a separate yet contiguous reality.
Ego Death
I had a death of the ego experience, but wasn’t what I expected- it was about the elimination of self in the picture. Felt that we are all same group of molecules mixing - visualized green goo stretched across the multiverse and connected every instance. Because I could hold multiple thoughts simultaneously, I felt that if I was to see another human face at the time, my brain would break forever. The concept of a human face was so confusing- I couldn’t even conjure up an image of a face. There is no “other”. There is no “self”. This was the perspective through which I journeyed.
Inhale one reality, exhale another
Experiencing the Multiverse
I was the universe. I could see slivers of alternate realities and would blip into those realities. Thought of the phrase “inhale one reality, exhale another”- and that this phrase sounded significant and wondered who said it or if I conjured it myself. I exist in this reality only because it persists the longest. Felt like I was offered a door into another reality- actually infinite realities, then I experienced and lived them all.
Ability to hold so much information and realities and perspectives simultaneously. I could observe what was happening in my physical body scientifically, as my own guide, and as the journeyer. I thought it was absurd that Steve Jobs made fun of people who didn’t try LSD, because once you understand the universe and realize there is no “self”, judgement of other people seems absurd and even hilarious. Steve Jobs probably didn’t have an ego death dose of psychedelics.
I felt that the true Big Bang was created in the 60s- during the height of LSD research (though it was discovered in 1938, the 60s felt like it truly manifested this feeling). Strangely felt that if everyone would try LSD, the problems of world would be solved but then realized this is pointless and absurd because nothing matters from the cosmic perspective. I then blipped to infinity and saw earth as a few molecules mixing and felt nothing mattered before or after the creation of Earth, but this didn’t sadden me.
I was given the universe in a fruit bowl.
Meaning of life is to live it- but then that felt absurd- because there is no meaning. The universe and life just IS.
I thought it was absurd that Steve Jobs made fun of people who didn’t do LSD, because once you understand the universe and realize there is no “self”, judgement of other people seems absurd and hilarious. Steve Jobs probably didn’t have an ego death dose of psychedelics.
Gratitude
I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that flowed with the power of infinity wherever I directed my consciousness. I had so much gratitude for Bee- she was the perfect guide- minimal intervention - for first 6 hrs if she even touched me it would have been really confusing. Even the word confusing didn’t make sense because there was no sense of self.
Grapes in the bowl, apple slices, and and half an apple- I realized that she probably left part of the apple uncut in case I wanted the experience of physically taking a bite and felt grateful. I bit into the apple to show her that I appreciated it.
Felt the significance of each particle- and any small action was as important as the highest of societal action- thought of trash and feces and how important that was compared to any other “thing”.
I felt that all my desires were reset. And if I was an addict this would definitely reset me.
This was most significant moment in my life and made a plan to journey 1 or 2 times a year. It is funny we can access the entire universe each 6 months on a whim.
Work Creativity
At times I channeled my focus to Emerge and literally laughed because I was given the answer to universe and any other challenge by comparison was miniscule.
I saw myself reaching through the earth with my hand and it popping up in multiple locations around world in hologram form. A sort of Emotional Portal. Music can hypnotize people - sound and light guide the journey. What if we could feel concept of infinity with your inner circle in Emerge Home- which would manifest as the whole world- and everyone in it. Thought about how absurd it was that I came into the session with the intent of some creativity and then was given the answer to everything - and how funny it was.
Physiology
Very cold- shivering and sweating the whole time. At some point realized I’d be cold no matter how many blankets - and then it stopped mostly.Muscles tense and jaw clenched the whole time. Felt these concepts above repeat for hours. With eye shades came more fantastic journeys. Without eye shades I could look at a plant and see it move and the entire universe unfold in a leaf or crystal.
Lots of giggling the entire journey. Everything was absurd to the highest degree.
I felt that I had voluntarily made my body sick and now this journey was to recover from this sickness, physically and mentally. I was grateful that I had prepared well for the journey.I felt like I had died, and was now coming back to life.
Music
My mind was like a thousand tributaries and distributaries of an infinite river, and music was a boat that allowed me to flow down each of them. Two pieces that were very influential in my journey:
The musical arc of Rhapsody in Blue by George Gershwin flowed very well with the feeling of infinity, and I ended up coming back to the song a few times
Immediately after my journey, became entranced with E2-E4, an “electronic symphony”, considered to be foundational for development house and techno
I exist in this reality simply because it persists the longest
In the evening, my sense of self slowly congealed back together, and had an amazing meal with Bee. The next day I felt like I had fully achieved lantern consciousness- had the openness of a child but life experience of an adult. A year later, I can still tap into the learnings but the feeling of it has largely subsided.
This was and still is the most significant experience of my life. But there was no pleasure- I felt that it was both the greatest gift and greatest suffering one could give. All the emotions.
Infinite gratitude to Michael Pollan, Ajay Shah, my wife Bee, Albert Hofmann and all previous scientists and explorers on the journey.